When people say that I worry too much, I think it is a serious understatement. This is my morning of trying to decide on a writing sample for my PhD.

See, I need to turn in one paper, just one, that somehow will convince people that I have what it takes to be a doctor. That one paper. Okay, so history is like any other field and there are all sorts of political undercurrents and fads that occur. I know it is sad, and people who are not historians cannot comprehend how there can be history fads—I mean stuff happened and you write about it, right? Wrong. Trust me, there are serious fads and if you are not on board with them you will not get into school. Think of it like The Devil Wears Prada—she would never get that job in those clothes in the real world. Ever. Well, turning in the wrong paper would be the same as showing up for a designer clothing magazine in clothes from the ‘80s. These fads usually sway between the extremes political spectrum to reflect the changing feelings in the world, or the country, or whatever. It is usually slightly ahead of the political curve, so prior to Bush historians became more conservative, but when he took office they swayed the other way, favoring social history and the contributions of the “everyday man” rather than exceptionalism history that focuses on individuals. Well, now with Obama we are swaying back. Whatever, you get it or you don’t—the point is it exists.

So, I need to figure out what will be the trend NEXT year (gulp) and somehow dig out a paper that I wrote within the last ten years about something intriguing that fits that trend (double gulp). That is hard enough, but then comes in my double think about everything.

I got a letter of recommendation from the professor that I liked the most, that challenged me the most, and that I worked the hardest for. Therefore, naturally, one of my better papers comes from his class. So, I could use that as my writing sample. But, what if the committee thinks my paper is shit (bad enough) but double whammy, they see it was for his class and therefore completely disregard my glowing letter of recommendation because he accepted and led me to believe that my crap paper was actually good. Two strikes.

So, I go with option two. My thesis. It is not spectacular, I was planning my wedding and I assure you, how to do my own flowers were way more important than writing the most important paper of my undergraduate career. So it is like a B+ probably. It is also like 100 pages long and my writing sample is supposed to be 10 pages. F. So, I can pick out the best 10 pages and fix those and submit them. This leads to all sorts of issues. Do I include my bibliography? Do I include the portions with primary sources because that was the trend for PhD papers this year? Will they care about primary source analysis or should I focus on the cross curricular parts where I apply psychology, sociology and political science seamlessly into a history paper (I think that is the new trend—but there is no guarantee)? Will it seem choppy without an introduction? Inconclusive without my conclusion? Should I just send in the whole thing and let them read what they want? Can I include a letter saying why I chose the piece? What about clarification that it is part of a larger piece with a brief summary of the entire paper? Should I just turn in the summary instead? This leads me back to the other paper option from above because it is so much less stressful.

So, even though it could be two strikes, it could go the other way too. They could love my paper and put more credence in my letter of recommendation. They could know of the professor and thus assume my paper rocked in the context of class. Great! Oh, but wait. It is a historiography paper. This doesn’t prove that I can do anything but read other people’s work, critique them and essentially say I could do a better job. Maybe a good thing. Maybe too pompous. Maybe it doesn’t demonstrate that I can actually do history, that I am a glorified, over qualified reviewer for the Sunday Times. Thus the questions pour out again.

Check!

I started the massive application process for my PhD. I was really worried about letters of recommendation, but I already have two very prominent professors agree to write them and I have an email out to the third. CU requires a fourth, and I haven't decided that I am applying there, so I am not sure.

I have given up on studying for my GRE. It is just too hard. It is hard to take, hard to study for, everything about it is hard. ETS prides itself on making tests that impossible to study for, and although I think impossible may be a stretch, it is damn hard. So I give up. I am going to take it and do horribly and hope that my GPA will count for something. I have to take a day off work to take the test, which is probably a good thing since it gives the scores immediately and I will probably proceed to a bar to get plastered after taking it. I don't have a lot of hope for passing it. Well, you don't really pass it, but I am banking on a really low score.

I still need to write my personal statement and pick a writing sample. I am torn between a paper based on research or a historiography paper. I feel that the historiography paper demonstrates my desire to continue studying Spanish history, but the research paper is much more tradition. I think a lot of schools are looking for primary source research, and frankly I don't have much when it comes to history, more for education. If I turned in a historiography paper it would be based on tertiary sources by definition, so no one would expect a primary source. Whereas a research paper, sans primary sources, might look elementary.

This entire process is exhilarating and stressful. I have constant worries about picket fences versus PhDs and what I am going to do with my life. What is comes down to though, is that it is not just my decision. I don't have complete and ultimate control over everything, and to be frank, picket fences are apparently not an option (yet--I guess). So, if I can't have them anyway, why the hell not get my PhD? I am essentially stressing over picking between two things and one of them isn't even an actual option, so I really only to decide if I want my PhD or not, just that one thing. Picket fences are off the table for now. So if I have to wait for picket fences, I might as well wait in a library or teaching assistants office while earning credit so that I am not just waiting for someone else. Do you think I could include that in my personal statement? Yeah, probably not a great idea, I don't think PhDs want to be plan B either.

I love being a teacher, but I hate HATE grading. It takes so much time and usually results in me being frustrated and annoyed. I think I will take a third job and use the money to hire someone in India to do my grading for me. I mean, microsoft totally does, so doesn't that mean I am preparing kids for the world?

I had a great birthday. I will post more about my two day adventure with lots of pictures later, but it was amazing. xoxo.

not overall, just right now. Lets sum it up:

• I am 20 pounds over weight and my doctor told me I was approaching obese, to which I say, WTF? I wear a size 10.
• I am a tongue thruster and need therapy
• I need braces
• My dentist told me I should really consider bleaching my teeth before I get veneers, because who wants yellow veneers
• Oh yeah, I need frontal veneers, which cost 1K a tooth
• I make shit for money, with lots of college and experience
• This dumb bitch make more than me and she sucks
• I looked up all the pay scales, and I could make between 5 and 7 thousand more a year IF I would just work somewhere else
• I work 10 hour days for my shitty ass money
• my best friend lives REALLY far away
• I have no idea what I want in life. No idea.

I am sick of being poor, overweight and frustrated. That is it. Prozac here I come.

I did my budget. There will be no maid. Damn it. Oh well, it was either give up the maid, the dog, my car, my trip to England or my credit. The maid, whom I never even hired, has to go. I suppose that means I should get off my ass and start cleaning, because it is bad. Shit. I really don't want to. I have a three day weekend next weekend, I think I will do it on Sunday instead, Saturday can be my "off day", Sunday my cleaning day and Monday my dread going to work day, because combining all of that into today would suck. So Mike, you have to deal with the mess for one more week, then I will clean everything like you wouldn't believe (although that sort of sucks too, some how miraculously Mike and I have the three day weekend off together, strange).

I am a completely irrational person. I have such ridiculus expectations of myself and I therefore project such expectations onto others in my life--my boyfriend, syblings, friends, coworkers. I blame at least 50% of my issues with my youngest brother on it, I just expected way to much from him and was constently let down, which sort of dissolves a relationship. However, I have ridiculus expectations for him now and he totally lives up to them, so that is kind of great. Totally off topic though. Anyway, what makes it irrational is that I refuse to communicate such expectations to others. I am a teacher, I swear I have taken entire classes on high expectations and their benefits. The issue is that you must communicate said expectations if you have any hope of someone meeting them. This is what my mother refers to as "putting it out to the universe". Puke. I don't want to "put out" my expectations, I just want others to do them damn it. This is where it gets irrational: my expectation of others is that they already know my expectations and meet all of them. This is a constant let down. It reminds me of a previous post, or maybe just a discussion with my other half, about being an optimist, the issue with it is that you are always let down. I constantly believe in people, and they still suck, so I still get let down, then I do it all over again. So I am in this constant state of annoyance over it. I need to learn to be less like this. I also need to learn to rank or prioritize my expectations. For instance, not everything deserves me getting totally pissed off over. Some things do. I need to have a more diversified reaction spectrum.

And I am totally getting maid.

Sorry faithful blog stalkers, I have not updated my blog very much over the summer, so I thought I would do a catch up blog really quick, and maybe come back to some of these later if needed :)

Right now I am working a gazillion hours a week. Well, actually comes to about 10-11 hours a day if I don't work at home, which I sometimes do even after I work 11 hours a day. There is just so much to do. Teaching is really labor intensive when you have three plans and a new content. However, I still love my job and my kids are pretty awesome, so that is good.

Overall I am very happy, my life is good. I like where I live and my living situation most of the time. I love my dog who is often my only company, and I am okay with that. When I see Mike I appreciate him because I am not with him all the time, which I have realized is a good thing even though I feel like I miss him a lot.  I have actually figured out a way to pay off my student debt, which is astronomical.

I have successfully made yogurt :)

However, Devin's grandmother passed away and I find I am very heart sick over it. I was never particularly close to her, but I did really like her and it brings up two major issues--I really miss my grandparents, and even though they died years ago now, it still is really hard for me and I am wondering when I am going to "get over it" or whatever. The second is that it brings up the loss of Devin's family in general. I really miss his parents. Not so much the rest of it, but I liked them okay, we just never saw them. But I really miss his parents and his cousin has a new baby and I just can't help feeling like part of my family is gone. There is just a difference when you marry someone. It is like all the issues that you have with their family members sort of meld into a "so be it" category, where you know you will see these people every holiday for the rest of your life, and you just come to terms with it, embrace them and their idiosyncrasies and get on with life. I just always assumed I would be there, they would be there, whatever. And when his grandma died, it just made me feel so empty that I wasn't part of it. It made me feel really sorry for Devin too, I just wish his life was better. There is nothing I can do to help him really, but sometimes I just wish I could go out to dinner with him or something.

I have fallen off the PhD bandwagon, but I have decided whom I am getting my letters of rec from. I am only going to apply to like 3 schools though, KU, CU (not because I want to go there, but I just want to see if I get in) and the University of Iowa. I want to get it, I am not sure I want to go, but I really need to apply and just deal with it.

On a bright side, I climbed a few mountains and have gorgeous pictures from Gray's Peak!

I am really glad I love my job, because getting up after not sleeping all night to find a drunk guy passed out in my kitchen and puke in my oven makes is really hard to make breakfast and lunch, walk the dog and go to work. If I didn't love my job I am not sure what I would do.

I also have this strange desire to make milk products, so I want cheesecloth and a yogurt maker and am seriously considering getting milk delivered because that is just cool, but they aren't organic, and what is the point of making your own yogurt and cheese if it isn't organic?

So, I really want to buy all this crap, which obviously I can't afford and don't really need. So somehow, I think that if I blog about it, I will be less likely to buy it. Granted, this is after blowing $80 at Barnes and Noble already.

1. I want a large table for my room so I can stop using Mike's
2. I want a sleigh bed
3. I want a shoji screen
4. I want everything from Papertrey Ink
5. I want clothes hampers
6. I want a new couch
7. I want to buy Mike a new grill
8. I want to buy Mike another new grill
9. I want more Nestibilities
10. I want an airplane ticket to see Rachel (this is actually MUCH higher on the list, but it didn't occur to me as "something" to buy until I remembered that you do actually get a little paper ticket).
11. I want another case of Charles Shaw wine, red variety
12. I want paint to paint the new cupboards
13. I want a new bento box
14. I want more dresses
15. I want that lace up shirt in Victoria's Secret that I will never wear
16. I want matching end tables for the bedroom
17. I want new Dansko sandles
18. I want new highlighters
19. I want organizational boxes to store all my stuff
20. I want a new lamp

Obviously, my paycheck doesn't allow for this sort of expenditure. Plus what I really like spending money on is doing things. I want to do so much stuff. I need me a trust fund.

It is amazing how one phrase from my father, along the lines of "What exactly do you mean, you aren't sure you want a PhD?" can motivate one into reading, cover to cover, a GRE prep book.

My applications are due soon. Well, not really, not until December, but I can already feel the procrastination. I have filled my summer with so much shit that I don't really have time to apply, and I can't see finding time to apply after August, so I sort of need to get on the ball. I also REALLY need to take my GRE, which would imply that I should study for the damn things since I have taken a math class in, gulp, ten years. Literally. Liberal arts needs to have higher math requirements, although I don't think anyone but Berkley cares about my math score, just my verbal. At least I can fake that one okay. 

The problem isn't really the applications. It is kind of the money, since applying costs a fortune,but it is really the letters of recommendation. I didn't do so great on my MA since I was getting divorced, twice, having other emotional issues, working and really, generally not giving a shit about it, so I don't have a lot of professors to ask that would write me gloating reports. My undergrad seems so long ago, I am afraid that the once outstanding, standout student that I was has been replaced in the last 6 years by other great students, and I have never been over involved in anything but my job, so I don't have a sorority or club to fall back on for such things. Oh how I despise the greeks and their never ending conveniences. I wish I could use professional references instead of collegiate ones, and although some of them say professional references may be used with collegiate ones are not possible, I feel like that is the same as applying with a 2.5 and a letter of explanation (in other words, red flagging my packet for the waste paper bin).

So, I need to study, a lot. I need to print and fill out the applications. I need to finalize my kick ass writing sample and I HAVE to get letters of recommendation from someone. Maybe I will just ask every professor whom I have ever had and hope to god that three say yes. I swear, just applying for a PhD should grant automatic acceptance, because the amount of work to apply should demonstrate desire, drive, enthusiasm and competence. Urg.

When I was first faced with divorce I felt like my life was completely over. All of it, every single piece. In a way it was, my life complete changed--not one aspect stayed the same, which is sort of pathetic in and of itself and I have promised myself not to ever be that dependent on another person again. Not in a fiscal sense, or an emotional sense, but in a self-identity sense. Who I am should not be dictated, dependent, lessened or strengthened by anyone but myself. So far so good on that front. However, in an effort to get my life and personality back, which was seriously lacking for a while well I wallowed about unsure of anything, I essentially reevaluated my life--or until recently I thought I had. I looked at my life as being deprived, at all of the things I couldn't do because of my marriage. Everything from financial security and lessened debt to going out to having friends to political bumper stickers. Everything that I deprived myself of during my marriage. I have absolutely no delusion about that, these were all things I told myself I couldn't have, well, most of them, the financial security part had a contributing member. So I made a mental list of everything I had missed out on, everything I had ever wanted that I didn't have, and then I set some priorities. I wanted to get out of debt, I wanted to rely on myself for my own self-confidence and self-worth, I wanted to be in control of my life, I wanted to do things, I wanted to travel and I wanted a PhD. I never really thought about any of these things, they were just things that I didn't have that I knew I wanted--most of them because I wanted them before I was married and I felt like I had them taken from me. The problem is, I never really assessed why or even if I wanted them. Okay, so the self-reliance is sort of obvious, and I am keeping that one, as well as the debt one. I want to be out of debt, from school loans to credit card debt. I don't want to "own" anything I can't pay for immediately, including a house. I just don't want to. But other than that, what do I want now?

See everything was based off of what I wanted when I was 22, or even 18, or even maybe 8. I never re-though any of it. I never took into account that I can't start over. There is no reset button. I didn't just get off a return flight from Spain and I don't get to start over. It isn't possible for me to get a PhD by the time I am 30, which was my 8 year old self's goal. Why didn't I realize this sooner? There is not starting over, no reset. There is only moving on, choosing new, adapting. I need to rethink what I want out of life, not resort to what I wanted when I left Santa Fe and moved to Colorado to go to CU, which really sort of sucked anyway. I need to look at what I want, and why I want it, because getting a PhD so that I have those letters after my name seems elitist now. If I am not going to use it, then why am I giving 8 years of my life for it? Do I really want to be a college professor? Do I really want to live in abject poverty for the next 8 years of my life? Do I really expect to leave for that long, to end up 36 years old, spending most of my adult life in libraries, writing papers, drinking cheap wine before dinner because I cannot afford to pay for drinks at dinner and dreaming about what it would be like to have a home? Can I go back to studio apartments? And even if I can, for what? To boast that I am a doctor? Because I have no other plan? Because it is easier than facing my life here? I haven't really thought about any of this--I just knew I gave up on a PhD when I got married, so I decided I would get one, but when someone asks me why, I don't have an answer other than because I want one. Is that really good enough? And what if I don't go? I have built everything here on the assumption of a temporary situation. Sort term fixes. Can I really just expect to stay and keep living my life how it is? Other people are depending on me leaving at some point, how do I just not ?

PS--although there is no script to post after seeing as this is a blog, but whatever. New note. Ambition is a terrible thing. I don't care what anyone says. Why can't I be like the idyllic school teacher--pretty, sweet, caring and most of all happy? Is being happy 50% of the time really as good as it gets? Because that is the honest advice I gave someone, that if you are happy 50% of the time, that is as good as it is going to get, because ambitious folks don't know when to stop, to look around, to say that their grass is green enough. Even Cosmo thinks I have a problem. When does ambition and grass is greener syndrome separate? Or are they really the same thing with a nice name? Can I be satisfied making little money, teaching school and spending my summers reading? Can I be satisfied with a PhD acceptance letter? Can I be satisfied sitting in a studio apartment, stressing about papers, grading undergraduate work with no one I love near me? 

WE'RE GOING CAMPING!! I am so excited. I can't wait. I love camping, and we are taking Ella because Mike rocks and will actually help me with her! Yeah!! See how cute she is?

I planted my first, complete container garden last weekend. It cost a fortune, and ti is just flowers but I like it. I think I may  plant another planter with mint and I need to repot my lavender plant, but other than that I think I am done. I have three floor pots and three shelf pots and a hanging flower pot. The patio looks very nice indeed and someone even stopped to comment on it! Plus, for the first time in my life, I have a parking spot IN A GARAGE. I made it blury so that the license plates didn't show :)

I need to be more selfish. Stat.

Okay motivation fairy, you can do this, I am sorry for being mad. Let's knock this last one out together--right after I get a toaster strudel.

You fucking suck Motivation Fairy, see if I ever make you a home made card (not that I ever finish or mail the ones I do make).